Two.5

Sometimes you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you cry and pout. You feel angry and annoyed. You start to worry that you've over stayed your pity welcome. You worry that even the most patient and loving of men might get fed up and throw in the towel, so frustrated by your endless woe, tired of picking your spirit back up again and again.
So you leave your room, you decide not to sleep there, next to him, crying.
You panic.
Realizing that hard times beget hard times. What if you lose more, what if you lose him. So much has been lost. But so much remains that can be lost.

That is when you must change your perspective.

So much remains and hard times beget strong relationships. So much remains that is so worth fighting for.

What is most important, make sure he knows that you realize his loss and sacrifice. That worse then losing a part of yourself is losing any of all of him.

I painted him a picture. Rather I made progress on a painting I'd started for him, then left it out. With a note. I'm sorry and thank you.



Wake up to a warm hug and a forever kiss. A kiss that never wavered.  A kiss that never felt burdened or doubted.

The clouds parted today when my heart went into shock, realized it's fortune and opened my eyes.

I was so grateful for that kiss. For that man, who built me forts and kept being a rock.
A lovely lunch, movies, laughs and a pumpkin vase of flowers followed.

Today my tears were happy.

Two weeks

Two weeks past.
Two weeks gone.

I am doing better, some days at least.
Today I'm ok. A little bitter.
Last night I cried and the husband put Josh's blanket over us and we cried together underneath it.

The world moves on. That might be the hardest part to understand. Some of the world never stopped, some yielded, some paused. Some of the world took a minute and others took a few but they all have to move on.

I am trying. I succeed sometimes now, for brief minutes, to not think about it.

Is it bad that it is still most of my mind.

It is a weight I have to carry, I drag it behind me, or throw it over my shoulder, on my head or in my arms. Never able to fully let it go. Chained as it is to me I don't think I'll ever be free of it. But like everything else, I will adapt and it won't feel so heavy. Every day it'll feel less of a burden. Some day I'll not notice it for an hour, then for two. It'll always be there though. I just have to get stronger through practice.

Josh, Papa and I bought you a book. Robert Munsch's I'll love you forever.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.