One Week Later

What I learned in the week that followed my miscarriage:

1) Some relationships can grow and become stronger with any trials thrown their way, some can crumble and cannot be blamed for it. It is not easy to deal with loss of any kind, but I think saying goodbye before you ever said hello might be the most difficult type for me. From my view, we are the lucky ones. Our love has not wavered in the slightest. We are, as always, a balance of friends and lovers. This week friends took the back seat and we let our souls do the driving.
My husband is amazing.
He called me a Gryffindor during my contractions but I didn't remember until yesterday. Normally we're both Ravenclaw.
If you get it, you get it.

2) Most people don't know what to say, so after the initial, "I'm so sorry, if you need anything…" you either stop hearing from people or they may at some point put their foot in their mouth. Try to not take it personally. I hardly know what to say. Next time though, start with I'm sorry for your loss, and then compensate for words with food.

3) Natural Miscarriage seems to be relatively undocumented territory, and with the exception of googling forum responses it is really difficult to get information on what to expect. My midwife's nurse prepared me better then most, and was always a text message away with any questions we had. Still I had questions that I wished I could just find a simple answer to. The answer is however, with miscarriage as with birth and pregnancy- rarely simple.

4) Everything about this sucks, but it can suck less if you just let yourself go. Just feel your way through it.

• Don't think you have to put away the baby items the first day. Trust me, you'll just end up taking them back out. It is nice to see them. 
• If you feel like crying don't fight it, just cry. 
• Keep taking your prenatal vitamin, for me it helped keep me feeling better, stronger. Plus it gave me a bit of hope back, like I was helping my body prepare for eventual pregnancy again.
• Take time, from work, from chores. Build a fort in your living room. It would have been easy to stay in bed and cry. My husband wouldn't let me, but he would let me stay on a pillow fort in the living room, sleeping and watching movies, reading and crying. One day he had to make a five hour trip to pick up a car we'd been in the process of buying. I stayed in bed that day. By the time he got home I was so drained from wallowing in my sorrow and not moving all day that it was like I'd regressed from any healing I'd done. Partially it was not having him with me but largely it was allowing myself to stay in a dark room and a dark place. I didn't snuggle my baby's blanket or play with the dog, nothing made me laugh that day while I was alone. I didn't do anything life affirming like take my dog out or water my plants. I haven't done that since. If I am in that bed in my room it is with my husband and we are going to bed.

I don't pretend to be an expert in this. Who would want to be an expert in this. I am not even entertaining the idea that any one will read this but me. This is a list for myself to read. From: a me that is feeling optimistic and sad. To: the me that was hopeless and depressed.

One week ago I lost my baby and thought I was alone, but in truth I've not been alone. I have a ring on my ringer that says I never have to be alone again. And I'm not. I am lucky, very lucky. 

You were lucky too Josh. In the nine weeks you lived you experienced more love then some do in 90 years. As the Doctor says, “Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It’s not the time that matters, it’s the person.”

The Tenth Doctor, The Lazarus Experiment
You didn't get twenty year Josh. But the time you got was wonderful for everyone who got to be there.

Dear Josh

Last night was the hardest night of our lives.

We lost you to the universe Baby B.
And now I'm writing this only for therapeutic purposes.

Three days ago we found out my labs were low for the hormone that helps keep you safe and cozy.

Two nights ago we went to work, cautious and not very hopeful. Seeing some blood on toilet paper caused a pretty massive emotional breakdown.

One day ago we went to get my labs redrawn.

Yesterday it became obvious that we couldn't keep you.

This morning is the first alone I've been in nine weeks and four days.

Everything is a blur. Some things do stand out against the rest.

Your Papa held onto hope a lot longer then I did. He is a rock and we are the ocean that crashed against him. He held us up when we couldn't do it ourselves. Now that we is back to I he is the sand that we rest on, giving only slightly and holding me softly. He is helping me to let you go.

Papa made Mom a fort on the floor, of all the pillows in the house. It is our management of hard times. When your heart is on the floor, he makes that floor soft and cozy and he puts dogs and cats and hot cocoa on it until you can get back up.

We named you Joshua. Papa came up with the name, at first I wasn't sure. Then Papa reminded me of my favorite book and why Joshua was a good name, and I knew that you were our Josh.

I finished your blanket off, tied in all the loose yarn and made a small border. It is only a fourth of the blanket it would have been, but every stitch I crocheted I did with love for you. It is what we will hold when we wish we could have held you.

The most comforting thought about you, my sweet baby Josh, is to know you never knew pain, or cold. You never felt sorrow or fear or jealousy or rage. You never heard a word of judgement or prejudice. You knew only love and warmth. You were held for every second of your life in a womb that was proud to have you. Even as you left us, your Mommy was proud to call you hers.

I am a mother. You did that. And I want to thank you for every second you gave me. Sleep sweet baby Josh and know that you are loved.

Tidbits of life

It has been a while since my last post. Life often gets in the way of goals and intentions.

All of my resources say you are now the size of a pecan or a blueberry. They don't seem to agree with each other always.

Mommy is feeling pretty rough this last two weeks. I am very tired and my legs are cramping like crazy. I've read that this is normal but it is not fun at all. You are worth it all though baby.

All of our family has found out now. I got a call from your Papa and Nana D in Colorado. They are very very incredibly excited. They are going to work with your Aunt Shilo to try to find a way to get Mommy a very important chair for when you arrive. If it works it will be a lovely old rocking chair just for us.

Your Aunts and Uncles are very excited too. They all really wish we would move back to Colorado so they would be able to get to know you better. Though Aunt Kristy lives not far from us in Florida and I think she'd prefer we stay here.

Papa and I went to another soccer game and it turns out you like Cuban food.

Tomorrow Mommy and Papa might get to hear your heart beat for the first time! We have a midwife appointment. As long as we like the main midwife when we meet here we will be going ahead with the first prenatal appointment.


I'll update more soon. Don't you worry though, you are always on my mind and as always right there with me.

Love you baby. Please stay with me. We can't wait to meet you!