I keep thinking of the discussion your Papa and I had in Sam's club. Shortly after finding out you existed. I told him at christmas you'd be halfway done baking. It was the only, very small, panic period he ever had about you.
It didn't take long before he was back to planning geeky outfits to buy you for Christmas.
It sucks without you here. Constantly feeling torn between wanting to remember you, every minute of you. Making you present in our lives. You were such a happy memory. But now, without you, there is an emptiness that dulls the lights and erases smiles.
We put an ornament on our tree for you. It is more elegantly painted then the dog or cat's ornaments. It's nice to give you a place. We're going to leave it up every year for as long as we have a will to celebrate.
I feel so ordinary without you. You made me special.
You made me more.
I miss you so much. I don't know if writing this is helping or hurting really. The reality is you are never going to read it.
I will though. I'll read it a hundred times.
I'm fighting every day to make myself me. Its a cliff I'm leaning over. Risking falling off, and into the abyss. But the view is beautiful.
You were magic my boy. You took the best of a great girl and made it bloom into so much more.
And with you gone, I feel diminished. So much less.
