One year and a secret.

It has been one year since I lost my first baby. He was not the last baby I would lose, and not the last baby I would carry and love.

It was the end of my optimism, the end of the me that believed pregnancy to be happy.

One year. Such a long time. It feels like I was an entirely different person. I've changed many times in this last year. At times being someone I didn't like very much. 

I've been sad, and I've been angry. I've been more than bitter. 

Today though, Josh, today- I remember you. Today I am asking you to watch over me. Watch over the baby inside me now. Today we have a baby, today we are trying again, and today it is alive. 

It is far from easy to be pregnant when all you know of pregnancies are losses. Becoming a mother is supposed to be scary- far more terrifying for me is ending up with no baby. Pregnancy after loss- PAL as it is called- is hard. Harder then a lot of people would realize. For instance- even posting this is more public then I have any intention to be. We haven't told family or friends. This baby is our secret and we will hold it as long as we want. 

When will we tell everyone? 20 weeks, 28 weeks, 36 weeks? No idea. Not yet though. 

Everyone wants to tell you to be positive, to be careful with this one- as though you weren't with the last one. Everyone wants to tell you that if it is meant to be it will work out. Everyone is waiting to tell you they told you it would happen.... Everyone gets very close to getting punched. 

What they should say is; You are brave, You are strong, You are wonderful. Because we are. You, me, Papa, baby- we are all so strong, so brave and so wonderful.

One year Josh. I've missed you for one year. Don't think this baby makes me miss you less- it just makes me miss you less alone. Love you baby.